Just Say No to ‘Noah’

My friend and I decided to see a movie last week. Neither of us knew very much about what was playing, so we chose between Divergent and Noah, having the titles/cast ring a bell on some level. We chose Noah, because Emma Watson, and were horrified to find the theatre packed. After much debate and checking our watches, we decided to stick it out and had our first front-row viewing experience in years.noah-3

 Why do they even put seats there? How can anyone watch a movie like that comfortably? Luckily, there was lots of opportunity to close our eyes, adjust our necks, and realign our spines during the 2 hours and 20 minutes of crap we sat through.

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I can’t even explain how bad it was. From the ads I had seen, I thought it had potential. I figured the animals and building process had the potential to create a really interesting narrative and visual experience. Sadly, these elements were established with broad strokes. Strange Ent-like “fallen angels” made of stone helped build the arc, and the animals showed up in herds: birds, reptiles and amphibians, and finally the mammals all arrived as units.

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Strange costuming (are they all wearing jeans?), inconsistent aesthetics, and just a generally heavy film with no real lightness or style made Noah a long watch. Why was the arc a rectangle? At first we thought it might be our seats, but the number of laughable lines, dull scenes, and epic fail at trying to be epic made us certain it was just plain bad.

Russell Crowe as Noah

A man versus man battle took center stage instead of the (most intriguing) elements of the Biblical story, and instead of a cool adventure with animals, it turned out to be a long, drawn-out, convoluted moral tale of good versus evil, man versus God, and son versus father versus grandbabies. The effects weren’t great, the acting was mediocre at best (though I’d be willing to chalk this up to bad writing), and the interpretation was far too lenient and literal all at once.

If you must watch, stream it for free.

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